Let’s talk about financial planning. Or as I like to call it: “A tragicomic fantasy written by someone who has clearly never had to skip dinner to afford petrol.”

You see, I recently came across this beautifully organized financial chart titled “How to Organize Your Finances.” It looked like it was designed by someone who probably uses “legacy” as a verb and drinks smoothies that cost more than my monthly electricity bill.

The chart was a masterpiece. It broke down your paycheck into thoughtful categories like Fixed Expenses, Living Expenses, Long-Term Savings, Mid-Term Savings, and Short-Term Goals. Then it whispered sweet financial nothings like “Retirement Fund,” “Investment Account,” and “High-Yield Savings.”

Adorable.

But here’s the thing: This entire plan assumes one major thing—that you actually have money.

Which brings me to my point: What if your job is a tragedy and your salary is a joke?

Let me walk you through my version of this financial plan:

INCOME

Expectation: Monthly paycheck deposited.

Reality: Salary arrives with the emotional commitment of a teenage boyfriend—late, inconsistent, and full of excuses.

Retirement Fund: Just a polite way of saying “Die working.”

EXPENSES

Let’s get one thing straight—everything is an expense. Even staying alive.

FIXED EXPENSES

Bills: Mostly reminders of poor life choices.

Debt: Yes. Next question. Subscriptions: Netflix and denial. Health: God bless generic paracetamol. Insurance: Only thing more invisible than my savings.

LIVING EXPENSES

Food: Maggi is a food group, right? Fun: What’s that?

Clothes: Hope the holes in my socks count as ventilation.

Gas: Pray, ride, repeat.

SAVINGS

Short-Term: Emergency fund? You mean like that ₹70 I keep in my sock drawer?

Mid-Term: Vacation fund? Yes, I take daily mental vacations to the Maldives during 5 minutes of poop time.

Long-Term: Retirement savings? Sure, I’ve saved enough to buy myself a chocolate bar in 2047.

Ongoing Funds: My only ongoing fund is “Pretend This Isn’t Happening Fund.”

INVESTMENTS

In Myself: Questionable return.

In the Stock Market: I once put ₹500 in a mutual fund. It’s now ₹472.38.

In Hope: Currently trading at an all-time low.

You see, it’s not that I don’t want to follow this beautifully crafted budget—it’s just that my paycheck comes, waves a sad little hello, pays rent, and disappears faster than my self-esteem during appraisal season.

But hey, we’re not giving up. We’re just…financially flexible. We don’t have a “retirement account”—we have vibes. We don’t invest in stocks—we invest in coping mechanisms. And we don’t save for emergencies—we ARE the emergency.

So here’s to financial planning in the time of emotional damage and economic heartbreak.

Because when your job is a tragedy and your salary is a joke—laughter may be the only thing you can afford.

P.S. I put this blog on a high-yield savings account. It earned two likes and a pity comment from my mom.

Later.

Jd